Staircase Tales
by noreek101
Summary: It's one in the morning, their room is on the sixth floor, and the elevator isn't working. So Hanamaki comes up with a plan.


Matsukawa looks horrified. Hanamaki is grimly accepting his fate. Oikawa is near tears. Iwaizumi is regretting ever agreeing to go to the party.

Why, you ask? Well. A simple thing, really. . . . The elevator was out of order.

And let's be honest here: when you've spent four hours at a party full of idiotic people and it's one in the morning, it's the not the best time to be tromping up the stairs. Not to mention their hotel room was on the sixth floor.

"All right," Hanamaki announces, "here's what we're gonna do. Oikawa and Iwaizumi will debate over whether aliens are awesome or not for the first two hundred flights of stairs. I will tell jokes for the second two hundred flights of stairs. Matsukawa will tell sad stories for the last two hundred flights of stairs. We clear?"

Weary noises of agreement reach his ears.

And so the treacherous climb begins.

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 _First flight:_

"Obviously aliens are awesome! I mean, the _idea_ of it! There's an entire galaxy out there - _we're not the only inhabitants_."

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. "That argument only works if aliens actually exist, and there's no proof of such an existence."

Scowling, Oikawa proclaims, "There's lots of proof, Iwa-chan! You're just too dense to understand it!"

"Dumb it down for my primitive, pathetic mind, then," Iwaizumi drawls.

Matsukawa leans over and murmurs in Hanamaki's ear, "I feel like this is more of an 'Iwaizumi mocks Oikawa's nerdiness' rather than a debate."

"That's kinda why I chose it," Hanamaki says with a smirk. They snicker.

"Makki! Matsun! Iwa-chan, they're making fun of us!"

"You deserve it, dumbass," Iwaizumi snaps.

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 _Fifty-sixth flight:_

". . . And that's how the Rosetta Stone came to be!" Oikawa crosses his arms, a wide smile playing on his lips.

Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa stare at him. As if they had practiced (And who knows? They might have.), they all start laughing at the same time.

"Mean! _Mean_! Meeeean!"

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 _Seventy-first flight:_

"My legs hurt," Matsukawa says.

"My legs hurt, too," Oikawa says.

"Never mind, my legs don't hurt."

"You're nothing but a big bully!"

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 _One hundred twentieth flight:_

"X-Files! Star Wars! Doctor Who! Animorphs! So many major alien names! How can they not be considered awesome?"

"Why are all of these American media?" asks Iwaizumi, a skeptical eyebrow raised.

Oikawa pouts. "Don't be stupid, Iwa-chan! Doctor Who is British, and Animorphs happens to be a book series."

"My legs hurt really bad," Matsukawa grits out, his burning pain now more important than making Oikawa suffer. "Can we sit down? And also take a break from this stupid alien drivel?"

In answer, Hanamaki and Oikawa plop onto the floor.

"Oh, no. . . .," Hanamaki stage-whispers. "I did the same thing as Oikawa. . . . SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE! I'M GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK!"

"Makki!" Oikawa wails.

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 _Two hundred first flight:_

"Thank the gods! Oikawa's reign of terror has ended!" Hanamaki spreads his arms wide. "Come to Papa, children - have I a story to tell you!"

"You're supposed to tell jokes, not stories," Iwaizumi corrects.

"Meh, jokes are basically really short stories with a punch line."

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 _Two hundred second flight:_

"So there's this girl named Tukiko. Tukiko has this love for salty snacks. She meets her first boyfriend at the grocery store when they reach for the same bag of popcorn and their fingers brush together. Immediately a tingle went up the boy's fingertips, and he became convinced that he was madly in love. They went on lots of dates together, and even shared a kiss. But Tukiko found out that he cheated on her and broke up with him shortly afterwards. Then she met a boy named Alan who was from America. . . ."

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 _Two hundred third flight:_

". . . and Alan asks her out after they go to a movie together, which technically wasn't a date, even though it totally was. They had a lot of fun, so he asked her out on a second. . . ."

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 _Two hundred eighth flight:_

". . . Tukiko and Alan decide to get married. They do so on a warm sunny day when the cherry blossoms rain down on their heads. Tukiko wears a gown that's red instead of white, because she didn't feel like getting a dress for just one occasion. Instead of a wedding cake they have an enormous stack of pies in every flavor imaginable. . . ."

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 _Two hundred twelfth flight:_

". . . Tukiko and Alan divorce, and a heartbroken Tukiko comforts herself with a bag of popcorn. Remembering her first date-but-not-date with Alan, she bursts into tears. Her friend Masumi calls and invites her over. Tukiko goes over, but Masumi finds out that Tukiko is allergic to peanuts. So she goes to the store in search of pretzels and Tukiko's favorite juice. She can't find it anywhere, so she begins to ask the workers. They tell her, 'No, sorry, ma'am, we don't have juice. Just water.' She goes to the next store and the next store and the next, and they repeat the message. Finally she stomps up to one store's manager and demands, 'WHERE'S THE PUNCH LINE?!'"

Groans (Oikawa); eyerolls (Iwaizumi); and slow, mocking claps (Matsukawa) greet him.

"Dude," Matsukawa says dryly. "That was the most lame-ass thing you've ever said. And you've said a lot of lame-ass things."

Hanamaki smirks.

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 _Two hundred thirty-eighth flight:_

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?" asks Matsukawa.

"Volleyball."

"Volleyball who?"

"Oikawa Tooru!" Hanamaki crows.

Oikawa glares daggers. Iwaizumi has to grab the stair railing so he doesn't fall over from laughter. Matsukawa snickers.

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 _Three hundredth flight:_

"Why didn't the farmer's tractor work?"

"Why," Oikawa grumbles, still not forgiving him for the volleyball knock-knock joke.

"'Cos the wheels were made of cheese!"

"That's a stupid joke."

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 _Three hundred twentieth flight:_

"How do Chinese name their children?" No one responds, so Hanamaki plows straight on: "They drop a coin in a jar."

He's met with blank stares.

"Dude. You realize that that joke's applicable to Japanese, too, right?" Matsukawa deadpans.

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 _Three hundred ninety-seventh fight:_

"A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are trapped on a deserted island. They see a ship approaching about one hundred feet away. They decide to row for help. The redhead rows about forty feet and realizes she can't make it, so she drowns. The brunette rows about forty-five feet and realizes he can't make it, so he drowns. The blonde rows about fifty feet and realizes he can't make it, so he swims back."

"You're horrible, Makki," Oikawa accuses. " _Horrible_."

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 _Four hundredth flight:_

They travel in silence.

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 _Four hundred first flight:_

Matsukawa turns around and begins to open his mouth, then freezes, his eyes wide.

" _What_ ," Iwaizumi grinds out.

"I just . . . I just realized how sad this story is, sadder than what I was going to say."

" _What_?" Hanamaka, Oikawa, and Iwaizumi demand.

"I . . . I left the room keys in the lobby."

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 **A/N:** For more stories like this, follow me here or on AO3 (the url is the same). Thanks for reading! :)


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